Jokes
Welcome to our Jokes Section. Here at Nethome we have two types of jokes:
1. Practical Jokes (for computers)
2. Written Jokes
PRACTICAL JOKES
These Practical Jokes can be downloaded onto your computer for free. They are all direct downloads, so click on the link to begin downloading.
Fake Windows 95 Start Menu (direct download: 128K) - This is a free gag program to play on a computer user. This is a fake Windows95 Start Menu that won't respond to the user. It actually takes away the users' Start menu and puts this one in its place. Very realistic. Go to Fake Win 95's home page, which features more freeware gags and Jokes
Message Manager (direct download: 144K) - This cool free joke program allows you to set up a message dialog to be displayed on someone's computer. You can specify the text to be displayed, as well as the type of message box. You can also specify when the message will be displayed, among other options.
Fake Delete (direct download: 118K) - This great free gag simulates the deletion of all files & folders in the Window directory. Looks very real, and users are unable to detect or stop it.
Sculptor Screen Saver (direct download) - Wreak some havoc on someone's desktop with this screen saver that slices, dices and melts your screen. For you programmers, the source code is available here.
Open CD gag (direct download: 96K) - Mystify your computer friends with this free program, which inexplicably opens the CD drive. You can change a shortcut on a commonly used application to point to this gag program, sit back, and let the fun begin as they try to figure out what the heck's going on!
Fake Bonus Message (direct download) - Drive your co-workers batty with this free gag. It informs them that they've received their annual "bonus." But when they click on the button to learn more, the button moves around to avoid the mouse!
Black Screen (direct download:
152K) - This free program will cause your victims'
screen to go black or capture the desktop & display a bitmap image. They'll then be
unable to close the screen without a password. Black Screen can be used as a joke gag or
for security purposes. Here's the home page.
Bomb Crash Alert Gag (direct download: 111K) - This joke program simulates the Windows 95 "program crashed" dialog box. And it's difficult to tell that it's a fake! It's easy to use and there is no setup/install involved. Just copy the program to someone's machine and run it. Here's Bomb Crash Alert's home page, which features more freeware gags.
WRITTEN JOKES
the following are various jokes, please scroll through, read and enjoy.
.
You Know You're Addicted to the Net When
You Know You're Addicted to the Net When..
All your friends have @ in their names
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a
modem
Your spouse makes a new rule... Computers don't
come to bed.
You laugh at people with 2400 modems
You start tilting your head to smile :-)
Your phone bill comes to your house in a box
You find your self typing com after every period
You start introducing your self as
"[email protected]"
50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or
off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents
of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead
and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just
shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small
World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the
natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while
peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the
elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner,
facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain
to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when
they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper:
"Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a
warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulants!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and
demand that it stay open until you hear the penny
you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a
while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from
the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter
in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then
sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it
looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while
continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator
descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head"
on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the
far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push
the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other
passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and
ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the
red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a
stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk
and announce to the other passengers that this is
your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another
passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long
strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a
more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a
button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at
other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's
getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and
holler "Bad touch!"
50 Fun Things To Do At Wal*Mart
Fun things to do at your local Wal-Mart store.....
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of
filling them and stranding them at strategic
locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front
of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten
minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people
you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by
sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes
of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY
SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an
official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in
Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then
turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I
haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if
they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department,
ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who
BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store;
claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always
staying about five feet away. Continue to do this
until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the
entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the
scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow.Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted
areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell
others you'll only invite them in if they bring
pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can
"catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey
Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run
around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the
Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring
aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all
spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to
cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me
alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of
you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired
employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do
you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up
a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the
X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in
Cosmetics.
35.While handling guns in the hunting department,
suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-
depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the
theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym
bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to
direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the
store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in
the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your
"Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to
look at something, quickly make off with it
without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get
kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the
loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream,
"No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the
magazines and relax. If the store has a food
court,buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get
out much, and ask if they can put a little
umbrella in it.
*BONUS* Attempt all of the above in the same
visit!
Ten Things to Do in a Public Bathroom
1.Come out of the stall with wet hands.
2.Pour water in a constant stream on the floor and
say, "Darn, I almost made it!"
3.Wash you hair and dry it in the hand dryer.
4.Wear papertowels wrapped around your head and
pretend you're Erykah Badu.
5.Write on the wall of a women's bathroom "Tom was
here." "In the men's bathroom write "Michael
Jackson was here."
6.Ask a person in the stall next to you for a
tampon.
7.Roll a roll of toilet paper all the way down the
row of stalls.
8.For a woman, stand in fromt of the toilet.For
men, sit down in the stall and pee.
9.Scream "Ohh it burns!" as you use the bathroom.
10.Lock the door from the inside, sound frustrated
that you can't get out, then crawl under the door,
getting as dirty as possible and complain to the
manager that the door is faulty.
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